chewychui

It was me who caused all this pain and it is just so hard to not have the scenes play over and over again. That pain I have to carry on my shoulders and it ceases to go away because I feel very guilty.

I want to resolve things with those involved but I can feel that both sides do not want to think about the topic. I am really trying to move on. There was a certain period of time where I wasn’t thinking about it as much but it started to come back.

It was these hands that caused so much pain.

Maybe I just need to keep myself busy. But I have grown so accustomed to a certain lifestyle that I refuse to look at other alternatives and just be patient.

Wednesdays…longest day. I always watch my energy level for Tuesdays. Careful of not doing much on Tuesdays so I can wake up for class on Wednesday. I tell myself to sleep early but I always end up sleeping late. And I always dread having to wake up so early. *sigh…

Apparently, I have more knowledge about the ARC and their rules than most people.

It regards indoor hours, intramural rules, people, and such. People actually recognize the efforts and my knowledge, they go to me for answers. They wouldn’t doubt me. Just this other day, I was having softball practice. A soccer player passed by, and says like “How can you not have a team for softball, Chui? You’re the master of Intramurals.”

I get numerous texts about indoor hours.

Even for Volleyball, probably one of my worst sports, I even volunteer to organize and then maybe even swimming in the quarter. I don’t plan on playing or swimming. I guess I dont mind the weight of managing/organizing on my shoulders. I guess I also grown accustomed to it even though its not my duty to do it anymore.

What a terrible start for academics for Spring Quarter. Skipped a lot of lectures due to some personal errands. But in due time, this will all pass by. Just this whole academic year has been dealing with personal issues and I was looking forward to a relaxing/good year. Its surprising I have remained sane and not let it affect me in front of everyone else. 

Week 2, time to start up Intramurals again.

Softball, Soccer and maybe volleyball.

Some people are just unreliable when it comes to texting.

Honestly, I think I’m a good guy and I don’t understand why did a scar like this happened to me. I didn’t need a “wake-up” call. I should have seen it myself but I didn’t take time to see it. And with so much pride, I hide the scar so well with a smile and my activities I keep up with normally. That wall of pride has only been broken down a few times to friends, Friends that I know our friendship would not be on the line.

And yeah, maybe I think the scar would hurt my “good guy” reputation. By good guy means that I will give you opportunities in many ways. And I admit that I’ve been successful in many ways already. Sure there has been failures but I always lived by the quote “Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall”.

With this scar, my tolerance is being challenged like its never been challenged before. The time I have to myself and just doing specific things throughout the day reminding me of the scar over and over again, I just keep thinking to myself that I don’t deserve this but yet it happened. That, I have to live with for the rest of my life and I keep thinking that it was a huge disgrace to myself and the family.

You missed out on a chance at glory. Was it selfishness? Was it ignorance? Was it because you didn’t think you could trust me? Well, whatever it was, you lost your chance and you also lost connections because those connections were the reason why we have that chance.